People of Earth, a better tomorrow has come.

I’m near bursting with pleasure to report that the global community needn’t worry any longer about food shortages and famine and the like. Why? My patented insect-enlargement gun, of course!

How exactly will the device achieve such a lasting and profound effect? Simple -- just as advertised -- by enlarging an insect, oh, say, to that of the size of a largish turkey or horse.

I understand your skepticism, People of Earth. Insects are indisputably small, in more cases than they are not, anyway. How will an enlargement gun be able to spot and then enlarge one insect or more at a time? I promise you, the gun works. I know because I have tested its efficacy in my laboratory basement. I’ll have you further know, I’ve eaten heartily without a trip to the grocer in weeks!

So don’t fret the difficulty that could hypothetically manifest itself in finding and enlarging them. You can find insects to enlarge, I promise. Don’t doubt me on that. It’s actually pretty easy, finding insects. Many live under rocks in your garden or behind the drywall of your home and basement laboratory.